The Flatulent Fiend

Have you ever noticed that if you fart while your backside is parked on a plastic surface, the noise is much louder – and is far more effectively amplified – than if you fart when you're seated on a cushioned surface? No? Yes? Maybe? Perhaps you haven't taken much notice of this. Well. I know from experience - not my own experience, mind you - that this is definitely the case.
You see, not too long ago, my husband and I decided that it was time little madam – who’s three-and-a-half now – had her first cinema experience. So after agreeing on a suitable film, and dropping little man – who’s only fifteen-months and far too young to be expected to sit still for an entire film session – off at his Oma (Grandma) and Opa’s (Grandpa’s) place, we headed down to our nearest Village Cinema to catch a session of Happy Feet 2. It was such an exciting time for me - mainly because I'm a huge movie buff (well, I used to be pre-children, anyway) - and anticipation filled me as we queued for tickets, and enthusiasm gripped me, when little madam’s face lit up as we bought her very first bucket of popcorn and slushy drink from the candy-bar. Even the ride up the escalators was a new experience for me – even though I’ve ridden the same escalator many times in the past – because it was the first time I’d been accompanied by little madam. Then came the time, after handing our tickets to the cinema ticket-collector, for us to...well...as we’d arrived fifteen minutes before the session was about to begin...wait.
It was during this wait, while little madam had gone off with my husband to use the toilet – in the hope that a trip to the loo before the movie started would prevent any interruptions during the film (sadly, this backfired, by the way, as the minute she realised there was a "new" toilet to visit, there was no counting the number of times she then claimed she needed to go while the film was on) –that I spotted the stack of plastic (not cushioned...PLASTIC) booster seats just near the cinema entrance. Of course any parent who’s taking their child to the movie’s for the very first time, is going to see the benefit of being able to prop their child up on a booster seat so they, too, can enjoy the same view of the big screen as you. So I did what’s expected and collected one on my way into the cinema.
I guess you might be wondering, by now, why I emphasised the fact that the booster seat was plastic, and not cushioned. Well. Keep reading and you'll soon find out. As it wasn’t till after we – little madam (on her PLASTIC booster seat, of course), my husband and I, were settled in the cinema a short while later, and enjoying the previews to the up and coming flicks, that this story actually gets interesting.
Because the movie was a fairly recent release, and we'd chosen the middle of the school holidays to go, the cinema was rather full. So when little madam decided to let out her very first fart, with her backside nicely settled on the PLASTIC (not cushioned) booster seat, I was really regretting choosing such a busy time to take little madam to her very first film. And I was also of the opinion that it would be far better if Village had supplied cushioned, NOT PLASTIC, booster seats. Because the sound that reverberated off the plastic, at that very moment, was - despite the fact that we were in a noisy cinema - embarrassingly loud. I guess at that point, more than anything, I was really hoping people didn’t think it was me. And, to make it clear that it hadn’t been, I uttered a rather thunderous, “I beg your pardon, little madam!” Of course, even I had trouble keeping the smile off my face, and little madam, who finds farts just as funny as me, snickered involuntarily; even my husband shared in the joke and laughed quietly along. Unfortunately, though, she then decided that the best way to keep the joke going would be to let another one rip. And another. And another. Well. The only thing preventing the other cinema patrons from seeing the bright red flush in my cheeks at this point, was the fact that the cinema was pitch black. Damn those plastic booster seats!
Now the farting eventually stopped, I'm pleased to say (actually, it was interrupted by an imaginary urge to use the toilet, believe it or not). But not before she'd let at least ten noisy little rippers fly. And for those who know little madam as well as I do, you'll believe that this is no exaggeration. As from the time she was just a tiny little bub, she's been exceptionally good at releasing wind. Not that this was such a bad thing when she was little, because there's nothing more uncomfortable than being a bloated little baby with a wind-filled tummy. No. There was no crappy colic for my little madam. But unfortunately now, although I'm certain it still has its advantages for her (advantages like still not getting a sore tummy, for example), it can be a rather embarrassing habit. Especially if she chooses a place, like on top of a plastic booster seat inside a packed-out cinema, to practice it. Or perhaps, like a few days ago, a place like Oma's cosy and warm (particularly after little madam let a few go) lap.

Thanks, little madam, for sharing your frequent flatulence with us, and for making your first trip to the cinemas so memorable. You little ripper! Love you!